The 10 million Frequent Pixels Club

Posted: 04.26.16

Just like the airlines and hotels

I’ve been thinking about establishing a Frequent Pixels Club. You know, how you can accumulate miles from an airline based on how frequently you fly, or points from a hotel based on how many times you stayed at the chain. Well. what about your pixel points? 

What if we add up all the pixels we acquired each year? For example, if you bought a 4K TV in 2016, that would put 8.29 million pixels in your account. If you get a new smartphone like the Samsung S7, that adds 3.68 million, and if you get a new Tesla, that would add another 2.07 million. If you got a new Dell M3800 notebook, you’d pile on an additional 8.29 million pixels, and if a new LG gaming monitor found its way into your house, there’s another 4.82 million pixels in your account. You’re up to 18.87 million pixels this year— you’re a super flier. 

But, like the airlines, you have to do it every year to keep your deca-mega-pixel status. Kind of like, what have you done for me lately? 

Once the program is full established and recognized, we will then negotiate discounts at the leading retailers and online pixel-based product sellers. You’ll be able to cash in your accumulated pixels for the purchase of a new pixel-based device. Every million pixels will be worth $1.00, so if you want that new Apple watch, and cash in 10 million pixels, the price of the watch is reduced by $10.00. But you get the new pixels added to your account and credited to your annual status. 

We will contact all the leading monitor, TV, phone, tablet, automobile, and digital watch suppliers and encourage them to add a little bullet to their ads: Pixel points accepted. We might even get them to put a logo on their products: “A pixel club certified device.” 

The next step, of course, is to expand beyond the borders of pixels, literally. Soon we’ll convince other merchants to accept pixel points, and you’ll be able to cash them in at great restaurants, sports events, and clothing stores. 

As members get involved and comfortable with their Frequent Pixels Club status, they will start finding imaginative ways to buy more pixels. This will have a welcomed positive effect on the sale of devices, TVs, and monitors. It will even be possible to purchase an entire device on pixel points, and then have the bragging rights of doing that. 

Next there will be weekend specials, close-out items a monitor or tablet supplier wants to move—special this weekend only—2 pixel points per pixel on the Flameastrom 15 monitor, offer good only while supplies last. 

When a new electric car with high-resolution displays is introduced, you will be able to cash in pixel points for an advanced test drive on a race track. 

Special skybox seats will be available at eSports events by cashing in your pixel points. And, although we will frown on it but will not be able to control it, betting will take place using pixel points. An exchange will be developed to trade pixel points for bitcoins. 

And for members who can’t acquire enough pixel points in one year, we’ll offer special top-up deals to buy pixel points without having to buy a device. 

The Financial Times, Wall Street Journal, and Bloomberg Week will report on this and start publishing the Pixel Index. Hedge fund managers will monitor it and make their buys and sells on how the Pixel Index is moving. Some traders will be criticized for using a supercomputer (powered by GPUs, of course) to game the system. 

Eventually, the U.S. Attorney General will step in and demand an audit and suggest big fines may be imposed as well as confiscation of all the Frequent Pixels Club’s computers and records. We will be exonerated, of course, but it will have a temporary blemishing effect on the club. In 90 days it, like all other scandals, will have been forgotten and the index will soar to new heights. Certain exclusive clubs will deny access and membership to anyone not processing a Frequent Pixels Club card. I will be sending out sign-up forms in the next email blast; watch your inbox for this great opportunity.

May the pixels be with you.