DBEYR—What’s the big deal about this metalverse?

Is it a rhyming thing, a hardware exchange, or a test of one’s ‘metal’?

Justin Phun

People keep talking about the metalverse. I wondered, what is the big attraction? I do not think I have much of a magnetic personality, after all. But after I began exploring in my scuba mask, of course, I began to understand the attraction that this new world lurking beneath the surface, of something, had. (Just don’t believe everything you read—DBEYR.)


You can’t hardly open an email or post a critical message on Twitter without bumping into some new reveal about the metalverse. It’s all about crypto coins (which I didn’t think used any metal) and Web 3.0 (I didn’t know we had used up Web 2.0 already), and blocking chains—which is never explained. Why do chains have to be blocked?

I have also discovered that I can visit my friends, watch movies, play games, and buy things, and even go to museums and sports events. All I have to do is wear some kind of a scuba mask or ski goggles and I can see, and be seen, all over the world—except it’s not really me, it’s a metal equivalent or approximation of me. But that’s OK because so many people on the old-fashioned (and, evidently, worn-out )Web 2.0 are plastic, so metal is an upgrade for a lot of them.

However, we are warned, the metalverse isn’t the best place for the mentally challenged—metal does not equal mental.

It also does not equal moral. Seems that immoral things can be transacted on the metalverse and done with complete privacy. Imagine, no more shady meetings in dark alleys and cryptic phone calls, just put on your scuba mask, click a few boxes, and your blow-up Chinese sex doll shows up in your mailbox a week later, along with your Viagra pills from India and the supersized and highly illegal molypolyhyprophorbian—which has been proven not to be effective against cancer or Covid, as some people think.

Building the metalverse, we are told, will introduce the concept of an unrestricted digital space, symbolizing the promise of freedom and opportunity reminiscent of the open seas for early explorers. When I read that, the first thing I thought of was buried treasure and pirates. A little asking around and I found out that indeed there are pirates roaming the metalverse, and also buried treasure in unclaimed crypto coins, which again, are not made of metal, but rather bits—bits of something, but not metal bits.

I’m excited about this new era of metal exploration while wearing a scuba mask. Some people are saying it’s all hooey hockeypuck and that you can’t have a virtual house or a virtual meal or whatever because it’s not tangible or traceable. Baloney. It’s metal, isn’t it? That’s tangible, and if you ever dropped a half-inch-diameter 6-foot piece of rebar on your foot, you know damn well how traceable that is.

There’s always going to be naysayers when some great new technology is introduced. People criticized the steam engine, the automobile, and Pokemon, and look at them today—how could we (why would we) live without them. And except for the things you bump into collecting Pokemons, all the other things are metal—so how much proof does one need? I just wish this scuba mask I’m wearing wasn’t so heavy. Maybe making it out of metal should be reconsidered.