Summer’s over

Posted: 09.23.15

Let’s start buying stuff

The fed didn’t raise interest rates because the economy and inflation are flat. China’s artificially stimulated and misrepresented growth is off (even China couldn’t hide it this time). Russia is taking over everything from Ukraine to Syria, and leaving the rest to the Daesh. The polar bears are starving because of global warming, and the U.S. has had its second clown show of Republican candidates. With all that, why would we leave our homes and go shopping, especially if we might get arrested for carrying a clock, or get shot by some lunatic who just got fired by the post office? 

The NYSE (New York Stock Exchange), which is totally manipulated by electronic trading systems, is killing 401Ks, the S&P peaked on the first of October last year and has never recovered, and even Apple’s share price is down from its nose-bleeding heights. 

Is that’s what’s bothering you, Bunkie? 

Well, lift your head up high and go out and buy buy buy. Retail therapy will cheer you up, fix the economy, clear up your kid’s zits, reduce your waistline, and smooth out your wrinkles. Hasn’t it always worked in the past? Hasn’t it? 

The signs are there. U.S. consumers bought more cars than the Chinese for the second straight month, helped by low fuel prices and an equities rout in China, and new home sales are up. White goods, clothes, and back-to-school sales will be next. It’s time to get the old credit card out and start showing it off. 

But first you need to clear out some space. Get rid of a few of those PCs, tablets, and game consoles you haven’t been using, and buy some new ones. New ones with faster, more better’er processors to run those old apps you have. While you’re at it, go buy some new apps—they’re just like the old apps, but they have a new UI. You’re going to love them. 

What’s that, Bunkie? You say it’s just the same old horseshit that the ISVs have been putting out for the past 20 years? Well, yeah, but so what?— we have better processors to run that same old horseshit on. And not only that, you need a new phone with more storage so you can store more crap apps you’ll open once and then can’t remove ever. But not to worry; they will never forget you, or stop telling everyone where you are. 

Folks who bought the frazaldonothng app also liked … 

Don’t you need one of them, and three others just like it? Don’t you want to run the 17th clone of flying (or is frying) chickens on your new six-inch 4K screen reallysmart phone? What the hell’s wrong with you? Buy that crap. Who cares if it’s just like the old shit, it’s new and improved and repackaged. We can’t deliver any new apps to you because to do that we’d have to do some real work, and invest in R&D and stuff, and that would impact our bottom line and that might drive down our share price. 

OK, enough about economics, we know you don’t like math, facts, or sentences with more than seven words in them, so just go buy some stuff and let’s get this economy moving again. It’s your patriotic duty.